It's a Miracle

Well, well, the tide seems to be turning, at least a little. My police report made it to Rachel at FTIA this morning, just in time for her to hand carry it to Vietnam. I pleaded with the consulate in my cover letter to rush it out and mail it by Tuesday (they received it Monday), but I didn't really expect it to happen! So a big cosmic THANK YOU to the people at the consulate for helping me out on this. Now I just wait to hear if the IAD will accept it before I let my breath out completely.

This past Saturday we went to the Dragon Boat Races in Chinatown and met some of the members of Families with Children from Vietnam. Everyone was super nice, and we even got to meet a little cutie pie that just came home a few months ago. There were also families who adopted before the shut down (their kids are about 5 years old or older) and some who are in the process of waiting like us. I'm going to try to attempt to add pictures... Ok, well the pictures are here but I can't figure out how to move them from the top to where I want them (i.e. here). I'll learn it later. Anyway, The first picture is the dragon boats -- check out the person reaching out over the bow to grab the flag... I want that job. :) Next is John and Ethan enjoying the day, Jack and his new friend Thomas, and finally, Ethan all tuckered out after a long day. It was a lot of fun, and we loved meeting the other families.

P.S. You should be able to click on the images to enlarge them, then just click your back button to return to the blog.

Wouldn't Ya Know It

Well, the consulate did not fix my police report, and apparently messed it up even more, so I had to redo it. I found out June 6 and the document was set to expire on June 9 anyway. However, our dossier still hadn't been submitted to the IAD, so I worried that John's police report, our marriage certificate, and medical reports (and possibly other stuff) was expiring also and may not be accepted. Rachel said not to worry about it -- they are going to try to convince the IAD to extend the 6 month deadline for the dossiers that were in Vietnam before June 1 (the date that the IAD said they would no longer be able to hold dossiers in their offices). It sounds very iffy though -- like they have to catch the right person in the right kind of mood or something.

So, I got pretty down about it all for awhile. I try to keep a positive attitude, but come on! Couldn't something just go right for us??? Just redoing this one document cost us over $150 in fees and postage -- when I think of how many times we've redone stuff, it really adds up fast. Being the thrifty (ok, cheap) person that I am it just makes me sick to know that money was spent for naught. But, such is the nature of the international adoption process.

Rachel asked that I try to get the document through the process and to her by July 25 so she could hand carry it to Vietnam with her on her trip there next week. It took a week to get a new document from the Brighton Police Department (though Brenda there has been SO helpful and kind!), and it took another week to get it back from the MI Secretary of State. I just got it today and loaded up the kids and went to the post office to send it on to the consulate. Odds are it won't make it to Rachel in time, since the consulate will get it Monday and would have to immediately process it and send it back out (like THAT'S gonna happen!). If it doesn't get to her in time, our new coordinator Melissa and the senior coordinator for China will review it and then Fed Ex it to Rachel. I'm having the consulate send it directly to FTIA, so it's out of my hands again.

The good news -- our dossier was submitted to the IAD on July 17! They won't review it until we are set to be matched with a child, so we won't know if they want anything redone until then. Which is fine with me! As long as the police report is correct this time, we shouldn't have to worry about any more dossier paperwork for at least a year. Man, would that be nice! I've been working on this stuff for over 7 months now! (How naive I was when I started -- I thought we'd knock it out in about two months, three at the very most -- ha ha ha.)

So, I'm not quite all the way back to my optomistic self yet (and probably won't be until I know the police report is ok and has been turned in to the IAD), but I'm at least out of the self-pity stage. :)

Tomorrow (actually, later today) we are going into Chicago to Chinatown to see the Dragon Boat Races. The Chicago chapter of Families with Children from Vietnam is having their summer picnic there, so we are going to meet everyone. Kathryn and her husband will be there -- we've emailed a few times. They live a couple towns over from us and were put on their agency's waiting list the same day we were! I'm really looking forward to meeting her in person and having a nice picnic with everyone.

So, of course I'll keep you updated on the document drama, and hopefully soon I'll be able to switch the focus of this to more positive and educational topics. :)

A Call From Rachel

Just a quick update -- I got a call from Rachel (the Senior Vietnam Program coordinator at FTIA) today. There is a problem with one of our documents. When the Vietnam Consulate in San Francisco authorizes documents, they fan all the sheets of one document out and stamp it so that part of the stamp shows on each page. Apparently, there is not enough of the stamp showing on one of the pages of one of our documents, so the notary in Vietnam won't accept it. The office in Hanoi had to send it back to the States. (Rachel said they actually couldn't figure out what was wrong with the document at first, so Keith's wife, who is Vietnamese, called Vietnam to find out!) FTIA has sent the document to the consulate in San Francisco to have them stamp the page again. She hopes that this will satisfy the notary in Vietnam, but she's not sure. So, if it doesn't, we will have to redo the document. Right now we just sit back and wait to see what happens. The rest of our dossier will be submitted to the IAD without this one document, and then they will submit the correct one later.

All I could do was laugh. It's a good thing this is going to take 18 months because it'll take us that long to get our dossier right! :)

Some News, Plus Questions and Answers

Hi all!

Well, Keith returned from Vietnam feeling optimistic. Things are progressing, and he does not feel that there is a need to extend the wait times. So, we are still looking at 12-18 months (I am banking on 18 months). Yahoo! Also, we received an email from Rachel, the Senior Coordinator of the Vietnam Program, and she said that they have begun to receive paperwork on children from three of the four provinces. Because of the rules in Vietnam governing the process to identify a child as an orphan, there most likely won't be any referrals until August. An ad must run in Vietnamese newspapers for 60 days identifying the child in case a relative decides to step forward and claim him. I'm a bit fuzzy on what the entire process is for the child to be classified an orphan and what the child's paperwork involves, so I think that is a good place for me to do some research and report back later. :)

Anyway, the mood is much lighter now that we know referrals will be starting again.

Now, to answer some questions I received:

Is the wait time different for a boy or a girl? Yes, it is. The wait time for boys is shorter (by about three months, I think). For some reason, people want to adopt more girls than boys. This is true everywhere, not just Vietnam. I'm not sure why, and I think it would be a very interesting thing for a sociologist to study. I know some reasons people want girls... we do because we already have two boys. Some other people have said that they have a girl and want her to have a sister, or that they are single women and would just feel more comfortable and familiar with raising a girl. This is an issue that I struggle with. I LOVE raising my boys -- they are so much fun! And knowing that it's harder to place boys makes me feel for them. I flip flop on it, but John and I have discussed it, and he really wants a little girl. Truthfully, so do I. My daydream wish would be for us to receive a set of siblings, boy and girl. But the odds aren't in our favor for that. A lot of other people have the same dream.

Are there more girls coming out of Vietnam? This is an interesting question. Vietnam is not like China. There is no limit on how many children a family can have. That is a big contributor to why a majority of children adopted from China are girls. In that culture (and in many other Asian cultures), the oldest son is the one who takes care of his parents as they grow older. So, if you can only have one child, it's "better" to have a son so that there is someone to take care of you. I think that many boys who are available for adoption in China are adopted by Chinese families for this reason, also. But back to Vietnam. I believe that there is probably an equal number of boys and girls being classified as orphans, but there may be more girls coming to the U.S. because more people want a girl.

Are there different wait times based on the age of the child (infant, toddler, older child) or disabilities? Yes. The younger the healthy child, the longer the wait. That is one of the reasons Angelina Jolie was able to adopt her son so quickly -- he was 4 years old. There aren't very many people looking for an older child. (I won't conjecture on other reasons she was able to adopt so quickly...) Also, children with disabilities have a much shorter wait time, as they are harder to place. In fact, there are Wait Lists with disabled children who are ready to be adopted now. John and I based the age we requested on the ages of our sons. We feel it is important to keep the birth order, so we are requesting a child/children who would be younger than Ethan (our youngest) would be at the time of the adoption. We are also basing our request for a healthy child on our sons. If we didn't already have children, we might consider some disabilities, but we have to take into account how that will affect our other kids. My sister is deaf, and while our family made a point of treating her the same as the rest of us, there were still the extra hospital visits, speech therapy, time dealing with schools and special education programs... Of course I wouldn't trade my sister for anything in the world, and I don't at all resent the extra things she needed, but it does affect the family. Also, I personally consider deafness an issue that would be much easier to handle than a severely crippled child or one with serious mental disabilities. I would be more open to adopting a deaf child, but I have to respect the fact that John isn't as comfortable with it. He didn't grow up with it as an everyday thing.

So that leads to my viewpoint on these issues. It's easy to say that people are being selfish for choosing healthy baby girls over children who are waiting for homes now. It's not so easy to actually take a waiting child into your home and raise him. Each family makes the decision based on what is right for that family at that time. There are a lot of different factors that go into making the decision -- factors that others may not even think of. It isn't a flippant thing. Our hearts cry out for every child who needs a loving home, but we have taken a long hard look at our lives, and we know what our family can handle and what it isn't ready for. In the end, I don't think it would be right for a child to be placed in a home that isn't prepared to deal with his issues, and may not be able to handle them. That's why children and families are "matched" in adoption rather than randomly coming together. I don't think we can judge anyone for making the choices they did, because in the end, it's the right thing for both the families and for all the children out there. It can be argued that you don't have a choice when giving birth, but really, you don't know what might come up with an adoptd child in the future, either. My sister lost her hearing over time, and it wasn't diagnosed until she was 3. Not to mention the fact that anyone adopting any child of another race from another country with a different culture -- who has spent time in an orphange -- is already taking on some special issues.

See what kind of deep thinking you guys make me do! :) These were great questions! Please keep them coming!!

We're DTV

Finally! We're DTV (Dossier to Vietnam)! Now it will be translated by FTIA's in-country staff, and then they will send it on to the government officials in the International Adoption Department (IAD). There it will wait to be matched with paperwork on the child identified for us.

FTIA's director, Keith, is in Vietnam right now to see how things are progressing with the two new provinces. A lot of families are getting anxious because the wait times have been extended twice in the last year, and unless something drastic happens, they will likely be extended again soon. Keith will return some time in June and said that he will have news for us and will have some "specific recommendations" for FTIA families. We're very interested to see what he has to say. I imagine that it will be giving us a few choices: wait out the long wait times, consider switching countries, or consider switching agencies. A few families have already switched agencies hoping to shorten the wait.

See, the way it works in Vietnam is different than in China. In China all international adoption dossiers are sent to one central agency, the CCAA, and the paperwork on all children available for international adoption also goes to this agency. That central agency then matches children and prospective parents and makes the referal. In Vietnam, each placement agency (like FTIA) has agreements with individual provinces and supports a specific orphanage in that province. All the referals for that agency come from the orphanges they support. So, an agency supporting an orphange in a large city would theoretically have more referals than one supporting an orphange in a rural province with a much smaller population, and therefore, potentially shorter wait times.

It'll be interesting to see what Keith has to say, and to see what the response to it is. For now, we are planning to stay with FTIA and the Vietnam program. We very much appreciate FTIA's emphasis on having an ethical adoption process, and everyone there has been so helpful and supportive. What is meant to happen will happen, and if that means waiting years for our next child, so be it. I want to look her in the eye when she's a young adult and be able to tell her with confidence that her adoption was completely ethical and honest.

Now that we are in the waiting stage, I plan to post some educational-type stuff on here. Info about Vietnam as well as info on adoption in general. Hopefully you'll find it interesting and it will help us all feel more prepared for the adventure ahead. I know that the more I read about it, the more comfortable I feel. If there is anything specific you're curious about, please feel free to ask me! If I don't know the answer, I'll find out and we'll both learn something new. :)

It Passed Inspection!

The new and improved I-171H arrived at our door Saturday. We had planned to go to the public library that day to *finally* get our library cards, so I took the paperwork there to copy it. And of course I checked out three books on adoption before we left. Jack was so excited he wouldn't let go of his library card for hours!

Then it was off to the post office where I personally handed over the Priority Envelope at the counter rather than leave it in a box outside. Are we overly cautious now? Heck yeah!

This evening I got an email from Kathy at FTIA saying that our I-171H was received today, reviewed, and was perfect! Our dossier is now being sent on to Vietnam. Rachel, the head Vietnam coordinator at FTIA, also emailed me and said that our dossier would be sent to Vietnam in the next batch to go out, which will be Monday May 21.

We are so excited to be done with the paper chase! Now we're what they call Paper Pregnant. :)

Just wanted to pass on the latest.

Could That Really Be a Light I See Ahead of Me?

Hi All,

Two days after my last post, on Wednesday April 18, I headed to Northern Michigan to be with my best friend when her baby was born. At about 1 a.m. Saturday morning, John called to say he'd just returned from poker night and found our I-171H in the mailbox! A whole week ahead of what we'd been told to expect. Yahoo! The following Monday at just after 8 a.m. I was holding my friend's hand when her son was delivered via c-section. I am so honored that she shared this experience with me, and am still awed by it all. Her husband, who is in Iraq, called just after the baby was born and they brought the phone to the OR so she could talk to him. It all still brings tears to my eyes. Yeah, I'm pretty sappy. :) Congrats, Robin and Mike! You two make some darn cute little ones! :)

My younger sister also unexpectedly came to our home town, so I was able to see my new little neice, Abby Jo, for the first time. She was just a month old. And awfully cute herself! I forgot how very tiny they start out! Plus, another good friend had her first child, a little boy. So congrats to Sara and Keven and Ann and Garrison, also! What is it they say about important things happening in threes?

On Wednesday April 25 Jack, Ethan, and I headed home. Jack got mad the two times I stopped (once for a drive through lunch and once to change the boys). "No! Go Daddy's house!" he kept saying. It sure was nice to see John again after a week away. We all missed him tons! Of course, the next few days Jack couldn't stop talking about Grandma K and Aunt Deb and Aunt Sara and all his cousins.

We planned to get our I-171H notarized Saturday morning and then drive into Chicago all together to get it state certified. Unfortunately, I must have been thinking about the USCIS fingerprinting place, because the Secretary of State isn't open on Saturdays! Luckily I looked it up Friday night and discovered this. So, Jack and Ethan and I were back in the car on Monday for a trip into the city. The boys were very good, even when I took them into a 3-story Old Navy to pick up some sandals and PJ's for them (and one or two things for Mommy). Then we went into Marshall Field's (sorry... Macy's) for lunch. While we were eating Jack started jerking and blinking and acting funny. It freaked me out for a minute until I figured out he was dancing to the jazz music playing on the PA system. I've never seen him move like that, but it actually totally fit with the music. Ethan spent most of the time gnawing on chicken and french fries and cracking himself up playing peek-a-boo with me. It was a fun little trip for the day. We returned to Crystal Lake in time to Express Mail the I-171H to the consulate in San Francisco.

Friday morning the I-171H was back. I rushed downstairs to scan it in, print copies, and create on-line postage to mail it out to FTIA. Late Monday May 7 we received the news that FTIA had our complete dossier, and we were officially on the waiting list! Yippee!!!!

Then on Tuesday Kathy reluctantly informed me that the Secretary of State had misspelled the notary's name, and we would have to redo the whole thing.

Of course they did. Of course we would.

I gave myself a few minutes to be sad, mad, and feel sorry for myself, then I pulled myself together and made a plan of attack. I printed out the new copies of everything and a new cover letter to the consulate. The next morning when John woke me up as he was leaving for work, I let him know what happened. Luckily, he didn't have any meetings that morning, and there is a branch of our bank in the lobby of his work building, so the boys and I went to visit Daddy at work to get the new I-171H notarized. We got there at lunch time, so we stayed and had lunch with him and some co-workers. The boys were such hams -- just eating up all the attention. They were so excited that they both fell asleep within 5 minutes of getting back on the road. Into Chicago we went. This time I double checked the spelling before I left the SoS office.

Zoom back home -- well, as much zooming as you can do on a Chicago freeway, which isn't much. We went straight to the post office and mailed it all out to the consulate again. I learned that postage goes up on Monday, so I had them put the new amount on the retun envelope just in case. With our luck, it wouldn't be returned until next week and we'd have it floating around in the ether with too little postage on it.

So that is where we are now. Waiting for the new I-171H to come back. Kathy assured me that we are still on the waiting list as of May 7, so that is great news!

We've had a few people say that "it could be any day now" that we get a call with a referal. As much as we'd love for that to be true, it just isn't going to happen. There are about 70 families ahead of us in line at FTIA's Vietnam program. They have only brought home 4 children so far this year. They are working on agreements with more provinces/orphanges, so they hope that the number of referals will increase in the next few months, but realistically, we are way down the list and I believe it will be *at least* 18 months before we get a referal, if not longer. We're ok with this. Of course, there are moments when we want it to happen NOW NOW NOW!, but honestly, we planned on it taking about two years from start to finish when we discussed adopting, so an 18 month wait is right on track for that.

I also wanted to add a note for those people who are reading this because they are going through an adption or considering adoption themselves. I honestly didn't think anyone except our family and friends were reading this, but apparently more people have found our humble little blog. :) I would love to hear from anyone else going through this journey! Drop me an email or leave me a comment. I do want to say that most people do not have the amount of problems that we have had. The vast majority of social workers are fantastic, and though I think everyone has to redo some documents, I don't think it's quite the amount that we have. I just don't want anyone to be scared off by reading our story. For one thing, we have histories that make our case more complicated, and I think that has led to a lot of our issues. And even though we've had these hurdles, we ARE getting through the process. Our adoption WILL happen.

To me, adopting is like a calling. It is something I know I am meant to do. It is how I am meant to continue my family. I think that the road to adoption is full of hurdles and tests, but each one just shows you how much you believe in what you are doing. Each time you face a problem and move through it, it strengthens you. One thing for sure, you REALLY have to want to adopt to make it through the paper chase. I think that if I were a birth mother, I'd want to know that the person/people adopting my child were thoroughly committed to the adoption. Yes, it was easier for us to have our birth children. Nowhere near the amount of paperwork or bureaucracy involved (or the longer wait). But not only do I believe that my daughter is meant to come to me through someone else, I also believe that there are people I don't even know who are trusting me to give her the best life I can and to love her completely. Because of this, I think it's good to make sure that we are 100% committed to this adoption. And going through all of this has made it clear to us that we are.

Ok, enough philosophy for now. :)

WE'RE ON THE WAITING LIST! HOORAY!!!!